The Esca Crew Goes Picnicking!
by Sephira Glegie Michikel
Summary: How fun! What happens when you combine off-character-ness and an adventure outside in the wilderness, with a basket of food in hand? Hmmm...


The Esca Crew Goes Picnicking!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't frickin own Escaflowne! You think I'd be writing FAN FICTION on my own work?!?! *cough*  
  
[A/N: I have nuffin' to say about this first chappie! Just enjoy, heh ^__^ But don't mind the Allen (eww!) bashing, or the constant glomping-ness of Folken or Dilandau in the chapters following this one. Unless you're like me, and you ENJOY the things pointed out ^.^;]  
  
Upon a blessed, crisp little morning, just like every day shouldn't be, Hitomi was panting down the street corner with an enormous package concealed under her shirt. "They'll never notice!" She hoped. Secretly, though, Van, Merle, Millerna, Allen, Folken, and Dilandau were all tapping at the doorway with forks, knowing of Hitomi's "special" visit to the bakery.  
  
"Donuts!!!!!" Folken squealed. "Really? What kinda donuts?" Van's eyes widened. Blood, guts, blood, guts, Dilandau chanted to himself, knowing (but not accepting) that donuts weren't made of such materials.  
  
Folken scratched his head, and his lips brimmed on the thought. "Sprinkles, chocolate, and that weird clear glaze stuff!!"  
  
"YAY!!" whined an impatient Merle.  
  
"Nooo, yuck!!" Allen sucked his thumb and continued to complain. "I don't want my pretty, pretty tresses to get in a sticky mess!" His hair was in exactly 3 and a half braids (thanks to a drunken Millerna).  
  
Dilandau rolled his eyes. "Well, dumb ass, even a flying shit knows not to eat without getting its hair in the way - " "What if the flying shit doesn't HAVE hair?"  
  
"WHO CARES?! Van is a flying shit - he has h -"  
  
Poor, poor Dilly-kun's throat was grasped firmly by a scarlet-faced Van. "I ain't a flying shit!! You little piss." He shook Dilandau furiously. "Stop this, little fag! I'm gonna pee on you!! I need to get it outta my system right now ANYWAY!"  
  
And they continued to grab for each other's necks.  
  
Within five minutes of the pitiful, meaningless destruction of Hitomi's apartment (they didn't like the sound of spending the night at a hotel, which was across the street from a gas station, and Dilandau ONLY packed 200 matchboxes) Folken roared with laughter, and eventually cheered on the two and tossed confetti when one got pinned to the floor.  
  
"Look!!!! He's down!! DOWN!! Hahahahaha, Van, you suck!"  
  
Two seconds later.  
  
Folken pouted.  
  
"Awwwww. You suck, Van."  
  
He'd shoved Dilandau away from him. "In your face, Albino kid!"  
  
The two people NOT paying attention to the dimwitted, shirtless two (*gawks at Dilly*), Millerna idly leaned against Allen, and began crying because the "noise was too fluffy".  
  
Allen: n_n; *pats Millerna's head* "You'll be fine. Wait until Hitomi comes home, teeheehee."  
  
Millerna groaned and her eyes rolled into the back of her head.  
  
"Whoa, look, oops! The TV went out! Haha, and Dilandau cracked the flooooooor board!!" Merle cackled evilly.  
  
Folken also joined in pointing out the chaos and wreckage. "Hehe, Van's head smashed the table in half!! W00t w00t! Go, bro, go! Now kick some nads! Aim low, Hahahahaha!"  
  
Dilandau: o.O;;; "My jewels!"  
  
Van laughed wildly, placing Dilandau quickly into a death grip (Dilly was being lazy today) and prepared his foot to be wedged in between his legs.  
  
Just in that moment, Hitomi stepped through the front door.  
  
"MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Her squeaky voice boomed throughout the entire living space, which was exceedingly cramped.  
  
"Uhh, correction: it's an APARTMENT.not a house." Dilandau put in his two cents, trying desperately to distract Van from kicking him in the special area. "So! You both destroyed it! Look! You've been FIGHTING; I see nicks and cuts alllll over your skin!"  
  
Van snorted a chuckle as he noticed the fresh nail marks in his arm. "Oh, so pretty. Hehe, Dil etched my name and some other word - B, I, T, C, H. Hmm. What's that spell, Hitomi-momi?"  
  
Her face turned completely blank. "Uhhumm, anyway. So who's going to clean this place up? Van." She pointed at his foot. It was still in the position to terminally keep Dilandau from having children. "I wouldn't."  
  
"Oh yeah, I just remembered something!"  
  
"HUH?!" Dilandau's face reddened.  
  
WHAM.  
  
Dilandau:%$#%!#!~@#~%$^$#^$!  
  
A few seconds of awkward silence passed, and then came trickles of hard, clean laughs.  
  
Folken's eyes became teary as the next ten minutes were filled with non stop laughter. "Haha! Maaaaaan, I've never seen you SO WEAK in my LIFE! Oh, wait, you just got your frickin' nads kicked by my wimpy brother! HAHAHA!"  
  
Merle chimed in. "Teehee, I didn't know he HAD genitals, what with the OPERATION and all!"  
  
As usual Hitomi fainted, with images of floating nads and blood swirling in her brain. The donuts cascaded from her tight, suspiciously box-shaped shirt.  
  
"OOHH! COOKIES!!" Merle purred, and chased the rainbow items delightedly. She placed twenty at a time into her mouth, leaving only six left and a few crumbs.  
  
Dilandau simply limped to the floor, trying to breathe, but only saliva and blood would emerge from his mouth. "Whhhhuuuuuuua.." He couldn't stand up straight, and it was even more so difficult to escape Folken's insults.  
  
"The bulge, the bulge! Hahaha!"  
  
He simply pointed and fell, clutching his ribs for dear life.  
  
The two hideous, ignorant blondes were doing each other's hair and Allen was loading on unnecessary amounts of hair spray. "That's 236 cans, 404 more to go!" He squealed joyously. Millerna wasn't paying attention. She was too busy staring at the enormous lump protruding from Dilandau's crotch.  
  
"Whew, gimme some of THAT!" She whistled.  
  
It was a heavy attraction for Dilly-chan, indeed ^_^  
  
Van was smiling at his handiwork, and he was laughing with a wholesome smirk. Even in the presence of his half-dead lover, he could let out all of the giggles in his belly.  
  
"Do it alphabet-style now, brother!!" Folken chirped, ignoring the fact that his share of precious donuts were being wasted away by the cat girl.  
  
"Alrighty then! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHABAHAHAHAHAHAHACAHAHAHAHAHAHADAHAHAHAHAHAEHAHAHAHAHAAHAFAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAGAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."  
  
Dilandau, who just now decided to get into character, rose from the carpet and pranced behind evil evil Van-san, a loving smirk playing on his lips.  
  
"I'LL BURN YOU TO THE GROUND!!!!"  
  
He began to chase after Van in circles, and finally captured him by turning the opposite way.  
  
"Teehee," giggled a watchful Allen as he stroked on a tube of strawberry banana lip gloss.  
  
3 hours later, Van suddenly emerges from a hospital bed, with a heavy cast sheltering every limb of his body. "Guh?! How did I get here???" He blurted, confused.  
  
"Oh. We found you smoldering in the bushes. We were JUST about to go on a picnic, didn't you hear???" Hitomi chimed, her eyes glazed over. She bent down to plant a kiss on Van's lips -  
  
"AHH! YOU NASTY OLD GYPSY WHORE! GET THE HELL AWAY!" Van closed his eyes and winced.  
  
Then Dilandau magically materialized in the window, cackling loud and clear. Van fidgeted and cringed beneath the literal tons of casts.  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I JUST DISCOVERED THE WONDERS OF FRAPPUCINO!! CAN WE BRING SOME ON OUR PICNIC, PLEASIE PLEASIE HITOMI-MOMI?!?!"  
  
Annoyed, Hitomi smacked her forehead. "Why does everyone call me that?" She sighed. Dilandau smiled with huge eyes, and then flew like lightning in some random direction.  
  
So, while Van was being lifted into a wheelchair, Folken, Merle, and Allen decided to tag along and come to the picnic (Millerna was unavailable, for she was being dragged to Dryden's pub and had to drink unhealthy amounts of alcohol while she stayed).  
  
"Now, we HAVE to go to the grocery store," Hitomi nagged for the fifteenth time in the past hour.  
  
Folken grinned. "Oh, do they sell temporary tattoos? Mine is kind of fading." He pouted a very sad pout. Hitomi nodded. "Sure, whatever. If you can find one I may think of buying."  
  
Allen: n_n "Hitomi-tomi-momi!" He tugged on her sleeve weakly.  
  
Hitomi: . "What do you want, Allen?" "Well, if we go to the.gro.groc." "Grocery," she corrected him. "Yah, that. If we go.can I buy some new hair spray? I think I ran out. I used a lot when I was styling Millerna's hair. It was SURE worth it, though! She's GORGEOUS now!"  
  
(Insert picture of nappy, hurricane-haired Mil, with a disturbed expression and gaping mouth.)  
  
Hitomi: *rolling eyes* "Uhh, no. Your hair is fine. Let's go over the list of what we REALLY need first."  
  
She handed a neatly scrawled sheet of paper to Folken. "Folken, please recite every line on the page." "Some lines are blank -" "That's OK, read the ones with writing." "Oh, okay." He blushed.  
  
"Chicken, milk, cereal, cheese, bread, salad, meat, flamethrower, thongs, hair spray, 5 fire-thingies, matches, bottle rockets, and 2 hundred bags of chocolate chip cookies." Folken looked up from the paper and grinned at a red-faced Hitomi. "Something wrong? Did I read it bad?" "No, no. It's just..uhh..who added those extra items to my list? And what the hell is a fire thingy??"  
  
Dilandau stepped up to face her. "Oh, heh heh! ^_^ Just felt like you could use a little help with the gro.groc.groc." "GROCERIES!" "Yeah, uh-huh. Those. And you don't know what the fire thingies are?! Can't you remember? It's a square boxy thing with shiny metal stuff on it, and when you lift the lid lotsa FIRE comes out!!!!!" *insane, indescribable drooling and seizure-like actions*  
  
"HAEHAHEHAHEHAHEHAHEHAHEAHAHEA!!!"  
  
Van was half-asleep in his chair when Allen decided to get involved in the matter. He raised a perfectly manicured finger: "And we NEED these things for the picnic! So buy them!"  
  
Hitomi shook her head sadly. "Fine, fine, as long as you don't add."  
  
"HEY!! What about my TATTOOS!?!?!?" Folken sniffed, his eyes dilating with tears.  
  
. "Ugh, whatever. Go nuts." Dilandau, who loves to take things literally, jumped on the wall and clawed at it. "HEHAHAHEHAHEHAHEHAHEHAHEHA!" Merle cocked her head sideways. "Hey, he's out of character again. Aren't I supposed to do these kinda things around here? Y'know, the stuff no one really cares for or pays much attention to?" Folken nodded. "Yeah. You're just too childish to do anything mature or ladylike -"  
  
"WAHHHHH! Don't you EVER call me childish!" She strangled the poor Folkie- chan until his skin was purple. He had no intention of stopping her. "Uhh? Shouldn't we help him?" Hitomi thought not and shrugged.  
  
Dilandau was gnawing endlessly on the wall. "C'mon, Dil, get off the wall. We're leaving now."  
  
Ten minutes later, the crew was strolling through the many aisles of Kroger. "Wow!! I didn't know the floors were so SLIPPERY!!" Dilandau cackled, shoving Van into a neighboring stack of crates.  
  
"HEY!! Stop that, leave him alone! Just because your GONADS were completely ruined by him doesn't mean you HAVE to toss him around -" "Like salad, haha!" Allen interrupted Merle's sentence. "That's NOT funny, Allen." Hitomi sighed.  
  
Van simply gave a thumb up signaling he was alright, but deep inside every bone in his body was broken. 


End file.
